Rage and Grace September 21st, 2017
Tomorrow is my daughter’s 5th birthday. The party is on Saturday, but for tomorrow we bought this big gold mylar 5 balloon and a few small toys to give her as introductory presents. We waited until we knew she was asleep and then went out to the garage and unpacked the helium tank. The tank filled remarkably fast and I accidentally over inflated the balloon.
In a moment such as this, pre-transition me would have flown into a mad rage. Kicking things, throwing things, cursing up a storm, I would have been fit to be tied. I used get angry over the littlest things before. If I spilled a glass of water I would enrage. If I dropped a glass container and it shattered, I would enrage. If I broke anything at all, I would enrage.
That didn’t happen this time. Instead, I got distraught. I was so shocked, so mortified, so inwardly frustrated that I just started to cry.
I remember reading someone once say that where they would get outwardly angry when on Testosterone, on Estrogen that would turn inward. Where before they would get mad at the world, after they would get mad at themselves, and that’s exactly how I felt. I hated myself for over inflating that balloon, for destroying this wonderful thing that my wife had planned for our daughter. And what was worse of all, I knew right before it happened that I was doing it. I looked at the balloon and thought “it’s full now, don’t do any more, it’ll pop” and then I did it anyway and it did indeed pop.
As I stood there trying to get a grip on my emotions, my mind started racing. How could I fix this. That was when I realized it was only 8pm and I had time to run to Party City before they closed. I could buy another balloon just like it. I threw on some clothes and ran out the door.
My daughter’s birthday was saved, and I firmly believe I have transition to thank for it.