Turning over a new leaf, a coming out September 21st, 2017
When I was 12 years old I realized something about myself, that I was different from many of the other children my age. I had feelings and desires that others couldn’t relate to, a wish that could never be filled, an esoteric dream extremely out of reach.
When I was 16 I gave up on that dream. I decided that it was so far out of reach, so impossible for me to achieve, that I could never have it. I abandoned my hope and did my best to live my life without it. Eventually I came to forget the dream ever existed, but it still lingered in the back of my mind, poking its head up every so often to remind me “Hey, you’re not the person you wanted to be.”
In the last few years I’ve started seeing more and more people with the same dream reach out for it and actually achieve it. Not only did their wish come true, they got their wish without destroying their lives. Even people that I knew personally were taking the plunge, and they became happier people because of it.
Seeing this made me despondent; Mounting disassociation and anxiety drove me deep into depression and made my home life excessively difficult. I got angry, impatient, increasingly short tempered. I started yelling at my family, going off in angry fits, and having panic attacks with increasing frequency. As 2017 began anew I realized that I could not hold out any longer and I vowed that for my new years resolution I would have that thing that I wanted for so very long.
I decided that 2017 would be the year that I would finally transition.
On January 10th I told my wife the last secret that I had ever been keeping from her, the one that I had always been too scared to ever tell anyone. I admitted that my entire life I’ve desperately wished that I had been born a woman. I admitted that I am transgender. A month later I sought out a gender therapist and was officially diagnosed as having gender dysphoria.
On May 4th I started hormone replacement therapy for medical transition. Twenty six years after realizing I’m not a boy, I finally get to be a girl.
Reaching this place has been a very long journey filled with all sorts of ups & downs. In many ways I’ve been exceptionally privileged to have an extremely easy transition. While it’s been far from butterflies and roses, not many things blocked my path. Along this journey I’ve come to realize a lot about who I really am and who I used to be. I don’t really like that guy, he was kind of an asshole. Already I have found significant amounts of new joy in my life. I’m a better wife, a better mom, a better friend.
Thus, as I redefine who I am and I find a new place for my life to move forward, the time has come to cut the chaff. A new domain, a new brand, a new blog; a new day dawns. Much of the content from my old site has been purged. I’ve kept a handful of posts that didn’t offend me, but the vast majority has been cast away. This blog is Jocelyn’s blog…
Jarvis doesn’t live here any more.